WASHINGTON — America's newest war isn't being waged in a foreign land thousands of miles from our home soil. Sweat has fallen and trash is being talked right inside the foyer of our country's cathedral of democracy.
The arms race began innocently enough in 2019. On the second floor of the Longworth House Office Building, just across Independence Avenue from the Capitol building itself, several members of Congress including Rep Ed Perlmutter (D-CO) began to decorate the hallways outside of their offices for the holidays.
A well-intentioned, yet neighborly holiday one-upmanship ensued and has now escalated into an all out arms race, for which it appears there will be no detente.
"We have decorations galore and its become kind of a competition as to who has the most elaborate decorations," said Rep Perlmutter.
Within moments of beginning our ZOOM interview, Rep Perlmutter came right out of the gate with two year old accusations of malfeasance against his colleagues on their second floor corridor.
"One day our snowman is deflated, our nutcracker is gone. And I had my suspicions," said Rep Perlmutter. "They tried to win by certain skullduggery. But that's not gong to happen this time. We're prepared."
He wasn't the only member of Congress pointing fingers.
"The fact that (Representative Jason) Crow and Perlmutter even think they can win this competition show how delusional they are," deadpanned Rep Mike Gallagher (R-WI). "They also tried to sabotage us. Crow tried to take our reindeer."
After a brief, yet futile attempt to pivot away from the substance of our discussion, Rep Jason Crow (D-CO) did admit to being involved in "Reindeer-gate."
"I did not steal anything. We were relocating it for safety," said Rep Crow to Rep Gallagher as a cadre of Capitol staffers began amassing around the escalating discussions. "There were major safety concerns in this hallway."
As for the actual decorations, we asked Rep Gallagher to give us his take during a leisurely walk down the hallway. He paused briefly outside Rep Perlmutter's office.
"Ok a snowman. Yah. Got it. Boring," said Rep Gallagher, shaking his head. "It’s a good effort. But ultimately uninspiring."
As for his next door neighbor, Rep Crow, Gallagher offered, "Crow’s I give a C+. Its fine. Nothing memorable."
As for the decorations themselves, Rep Gallagher's team used every tool in their holiday arsenal to amass their space with a variety of displays which fused holiday cheer with items from their home district.
"Perlmutter was intimidating my team by saying we should give it up and get out of the game," said Rep Gallagher. "Despite that, we've held ourselves to a higher ethical and esthetic standard."
That "higher esthetic standard" included a Miller Light inflatable chair and ottoman adorned in tinsel clearly designed to pander to the beer lovers of Capitol Hill. An unopened beer rest in the inflatable's cup holder.
"This is Miller High Life which I am duty bond to offer to people who are visiting my office," said Rep Gallagher, clearly proud of his Wisconsin roots. "It’s the champagne of beers. And what better way to celebrate Christmas?
Meanwhile, down the hall a bit farther, Rep Perlmutter was calling out his next door neighbor, Rep Mary Gay Scanlon (D-PA).
"Mary Gay Scanlon from Philadelphia has this giant snowman that is a Philadelphia Flyer mascot called 'Gritty'," said Rep. Perlmutter, his voice dripping with contempt.
Washington Capitals fans are, of course, familiar with Gritty and his uncouth shenanigans. At this point, WUSA9 began researching what it takes to have a member of Congress expelled, as bringing Gritty to Washington was a clear violation of good taste and civility.
A simple, yet elegant display greeted visitors to the last office on the corridor. Rep Cheri Bustos (D-IL) represents a rural district in the Quad Cities region. Her display included an inflatable Santa riding a John Deere tractor, homemade corn stalks taped to the wall made from construction paper and a barn display on the wall opposite from her office.
Rep Bustos is a parent of three, an athlete, a journalist and a graduate of the University of Maryland, College Park.
So am I.
I nearly handed her the win based solely on our shared experiences.
However, in the hallowed halls of American democracy this contest needed to be put to a vote. I solicited votes through my Twitter page and thousands of people responded. An accounting firm was hired to tally the votes and ensure accuracy.
(None of that is true. The whole thing got less than 100 votes. Winners are listed below!)
The Longworth holiday decorating contest results are as follows.
- 1st place: Rep. Gallagher (R-WI)
- 2nd place: Rep. Perlmutter (D-CO)
- 3rd place: Rep. Mary Gay Scanlon (D-PA)
- 4th place: Rep. Cheri Bustos (D-IL)
- 5th place: Rep. Stephanie Bice (R-OK)
- 6th place: Rep. Jason Crow (D-CO)
- 7th place: Rep Deborah Ross (D-NC)