WASHINGTON — The Stanley Cup Playoffs have begun for the almighty Washington Capitals -- they kicked Carolina's butt, 4-2, in Game 1 -- and I'm already angry. I'm so ticked I feel like Caps' enforcer Tom Wilson hooked to a Red Bull IV. I want to rip off my H&M royal blue blazer, remove my TV makeup and do time in the penalty box after pummeling other members of the National Hockey League media with their microphones and laptops.
Did you see this crock in the Washington Post yesterday?
Four of five “experts” at both ESPN and Sports Illustrated see our Stanley Cup champions losing to the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Eastern Conference finals – which, of course, would be a rematch of the series our Caps won in 7 games a year ago.
Two of these so-called “experts" predict the Caps will be upset by the Hurricanes in the first round, presumably because Alex Ovechkin and Evgeny Kuznetzov will eat rancid pulled pork and contract stomach viruses in Raleigh for Game 3 and 4.
Almost none picked the Capitals to defend the lone championship won in 27 years in our God-forsaken sports town. That’s right, Washington: Puckhead North America thinks you’re going down this year.
And, okay, I admit: these people know their hockey more than I do. Some are from Canada, where they are genetically predisposed to know more hockey than we do. They can talk two-line passes and back-checking and creating traffic in the crease. Me? It wasn't but two years ago that I learned "cycling the puck" meant passing it around the perimeter so everyone on your team touches it, as opposed to what I thought it was: using the same cylinder of hard, black rubber the entire 60-minute game, or, "recycling the puck."
Anyhow, I'm not angry because they picked against us. I'm angry because.... THESE ARE ALMOST ALL THE SAME NOSTRADAMUSES WHO PICKED THE CAPITALS TO WIN THE CUP BETWEEN 2009 and 2017 -- when our Caps won bupkus! You know how many times we became giddy upon hearing Las Vegas and hockey "experts" had picked the Caps to win the Cup? You know how many times our hearts were gouged out whenever a headline blared, "Caps Will Win the Cup" and they didn't? Let's just say these "prognosticators" have a larger credibility problem than Michael Cohen.
Upset in the first round in 2010 by Montreal after winning the President's Trophy; knocked out in the second round three times by our malodorous rivals, the Pittsburgh Penguins and their cookie-cutter Canadian star Sidney Crosby, between 2009 and 2017; unable to ever get past a conference final all those years. And all because the "experts" said the Caps would do it.
I’m not railing on these people because I’m some pom-pom waving homer whose kids and family friends took pictures with Ovi and the Cup before they jumped on the bus to the parade last June.
I’m not that biased sports journalist influenced by their neighbors using their daughter’s toy car to mow down a likeness of Sidney Crosby in his Penguins jersey on their front lawn (though their lawn is pretty awesome.)
All I’m saying is, these media jackals are wrong, misinformed and completely bamboozled because the Lightning dominated the regular season and won the President’s Cup, signifying the best record in the NHL before the postseason.
Fact: Only once in the past decade has a President’s Trophy winner also raised the Stanley Cup.
Fact: The Caps are healthy and peaking right now. If they can get their power play clicking at about 30 percent -- meaning every 10 times they have an extra-man situation, they score three times -- it's back to the Cup Finals, baby!
Fact: I am a homer when it comes to this team. And I will attend another parade this summer in this town. It’s on. It’s so on!