PROTIP: To begin, we should note that if you have never signed up for the WWE Network -- a video service that the WWE offers on nearly any major streaming device for $10 a month -- you can get your first month free, including Wrestlemania 32 in Dallas this Sunday. As long as you cancel before the month is up, it's no charge to watch, and I believe you should. I'll explain why below, before we get to the picks:
When I was younger, through my preteen years at least, I was convinced I was going to become a professional wrestler. I told my parents I didn't want to go to high school or college -- I wanted to go to Shawn Michael's training gym in San Antonio. They were thrilled, obviously.
I'm sorry to say that I never quite achieved the dream. Or started it. I discovered weights were heavy and better left on the ground, and food that is terrible for you tastes the best long before I could book that bus ticket to San Antone.
But the joy of watching wrestling waited dormant, until a few years later, after I was free of the scorn of my high school and college peers. A couple years ago in January, on a bored whim, I bought the Royal Rumble -- which had been may favorite pay-per-view as a little kid. The nostalgia hit me like a drug, maybe in part because wrestling hasn't grown up as much as the rest of my life.
Many of the biggest stars remain the same, although they're largely on their last legs. The sense of humor is still juvenile and more likely to draw eye rolls than belly laughs. The matches and feuds all follow similar rhythms, because its all been done before. But as I've gotten older, I'm come to appreciate the artistry, incredible athleticism, and over-the-top theater of the thing.
I eventually recruited some friends to watch Wrestlemania that year. We drank many a beer. We ate all of the foods. We had a really good time generally acting like preteens (with access to lots of beer). I decided after that one that regardless of who joined in, I'd follow the WWE on the "Road to Wrestlemania" -- basically their event calendar from January to the beginning of April.
It's now year three of that tradition.
I've now got a job and insurance bills and I have to take heartburn medicine for no reason that I can trace back to spicy food sometimes. But damn if I don't like being a kid again for a few hours on a Sunday once a year for Wrestlemania.
(And this year I get to go geek out in person from the press box! Follow my live blog on WFAA.com Sunday.)
If you've ever enjoyed pro wrestling, I highly encourage you to give it a shot again Sunday night. It don't cost nothin'.
Now, on to my picks, which are made with no prior knowledge of the show, but with prior knowledge of how wrestling storylines tend to go and which direction some things are trending:
The Usos v. The Dudley Boyz
Pre-show Tag-Team Match
There are three matches that have been moved to the Wrestlemania pre-show, which is a pretty good indicator we will be having at least one or two unannounced segments in the show. I’d be stunned (no pun intended) if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn’t make an appearance in his home state two days after hosting his podcast in Dallas, so you can bank on that for one. John Cena is also in town, so you can expect to see him at some point, as well. Whether more legends, like Mick Foley or The Rock, appear on the show is more up in the air. However, with the long injury list the WWE is nursing (more on that in a bit), some A-list filler is needed and this match wasn’t going to cut it in that respect.
However, that isn’t to say this will be a bad match – just not one that feels big or that hasn’t been played out on Raw and Smackdown already. I feel like they may look to stretch out this feud another month and bring it back with a table match stipulation for next month’s WWE Network event, Payback. So, give me the Usos to win by disqualification after the Dudleys get the tables out for the North Texas crowd.
Best Guess: The Usos win by DQ
The Total Divas v. B.A.D. & Blonde
Pre-show 5-on-5 Tag-Team Match
I’m going to be 100-percent honest here, I have no idea who the majority of these women are, beyond hearing their names here and there.
That’s primarily because I have less-than-zero interest in watching the E! reality show Total Divas. And -- you'll never see this one coming -- the members of the Total Divas team here are all apart of the E! show of the same name. I've give you a minute to collect the pieces of your blown mind...
It’s also because, while the WWE has made great strides in actually caring about the “wrestling” part of women’s wrestling in the last few years, there are a few talents still hanging around from a time when looks were No. 1 with a bullet for the Divas. Teaching them to wrestle was a ways down the priority list, at the time. They had a few great successes with that path over the years, like the great Trish Stratus. But now that the WWE has NXT for a development program, they’re pumping in more new talent in the women’s division than ever before. You’ll get a great look at that in the Divas Title match later on, which is honestly weird to say compared to where that division was a few years ago.
This match is all about getting some face time for the women’s roster that won’t be included in the triple threat title match. I would expect the WWE to keep pushing the Total Divas brand with a win for them here.
Best Guess: Team Total Divas
Kalisto (c) v. Ryback
Pre-show U.S. Title Match
It’s a shame this one will have to serve as a preshow match, because it would have been great to see Kalisto get a spotlight win in front of the biggest audience of his career. He’s one of the most athletic and impressive to watch lucha-style wrestlers in the WWE, and the huge and powerful Ryback will make a great springboard for him. The problem is, at this point his character is just essentially “amazingly athletic guy in a mask.”
Kalisto won’t get more of a character in the preshow, but I think he retains the belt. It hasn’t seemed like Ryback is headed anywhere important at the moment and he can suffer a pre-show loss and still be built back up as the unstoppable monster quickly. The crowd loves Kalisto’s in-ring ability and could like him that much more if the WWE gave them any reason to.
Nonetheless, he gets a win here and the ball remains in the WWE's court to give him a chance to be a star either through an interview segment, a manager to speak for him, or an intro package on TV like they use for premiering characters.
Best Guess: Kalisto retains
Kevin Owens (c) v. Sami Zayn v. Zack Ryder v. Sin Cara v. The Miz v. Dolph Ziggler v. Stardust
Intercontinental Title Ladder Match
I expect this to be the actual Wrestlemania opener and hope it will set a high bar for the rest of the show. My fear it is will be an over-stuffed gimmick match built more on overly-intricate spots involving ladders than actual sharp wrestling and a story throughout the match. But either way, it should get the crowd going and be a fun –- if chaotic -- watch.
There are two impressive and relatively new talents who will be the favorites, Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn. Their feud is the only real storyline heading into this one, which feels cramped due to talent they needed to put somewhere in the biggest show of the year.
The others have been made by-and-large forgettable characters -- other than Dolph Ziggler, who recently impressed in a good, long match with Triple H. I’m expecting something impressive from the high-flyer Sin Cara that could be a show-stopper, but I can’t really see both mid-card champions being smaller, non-verbal, masked wrestlers.
Ultimately I’ll go with Owens to get the win and keep the torch lit on a 1-on-1 feud with Zayn.
Best Guess: Kevin Owens retains
Shane McMahon v. Undertaker
Hell in a Cell Match
We're going to have to unpack some things to explain how we got to this seemingly grabbed-out-of-a-hat match up.
First: The WWE is currently battling an injury bug that has decimated the top of the card (and potential Undertaker opponents).
Daniel Bryan, the biggest fan favorite in the WWE, was forced to retire due to continual concussions. The legendary Sting has a neck injury that may force him to retire (though he denied that on Friday). Meanwhile, John Cena, Randy Orton, and Seth Rollins -- all talents who can carry a feud with someone as limited as the Undertaker at his present age -- are injured and can't compete on Sunday.
So the WWE was forced to scramble and bring in a nostalgia act to find an opponent. Enter Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon's son who took part in some epic matches about a decade ago.
Next: Even back then, Shane's matches weren't high-quality technical bouts. However, he proved to be fearless, taking death-defying leaps off cages and ladders through tables and stages. The fans were incredibly excited to see him back in the WWE upon his return a month ago, however, there is no chance of this match being much more than a brawl highlighted by an obscenely dangerous stunt or two.
Shane has not been in a ring for nearly 10 years and was launching a video-on-demand service in China for the majority of that time... Seriously. He and the Undertaker without a doubt look great for their age (Shane is 46, Taker is 51[!!]), but don't expect much quickness or athleticism in the ring from either one. The good news is, the crowd will be so excited to see these two live, they'll lose it for practically anything they do.
Finally: The build to this match has made exactly zero sense, and everyone has decided they are okay with that.
The stakes are relatively simple: If Shane wins, he gets complete control of the company (even though upon his return he said he already had that -- check logic at the door). If Undertaker loses, he will not get another Wrestlemania match. But Shane is a fan favorite, and Taker is not getting boo'd in a Wrestlemania match in his home state of Texas (despite being a proxy for Vince McMahon in this match, which should make him the villain – again, no sense).
With all that said, it's hard to see a way they let Shane win here over the WWE's most loyal superstar in the year's biggest event.
I expect Undertaker to win, but I also expect Shane to gain control of the company for storyline purposes by the time the WWE leaves North Texas on Tuesday. So I could see a Vince McMahon interference (or someone he selects) paving the way for a Shane loss that would give him something to protest on Raw Monday night.
Best Guess: The Undertaker wins, with some third party getting involved
